Drowning

ive been drowning

for eighteen months now

every night i hit the 

rock bottom of the ocean

i wonder

why dying is so hard

little by little

one breath at a time

it suffocates me

this life that many count a blessing

i find it cumbersome

i find it crippling my once

doe-like swiftness

ive gotten used to staying afloat

and sinking

i resisted learning those skills

but the waters kept rushing in

and most nights when 

its scary waves washed me over

i taught myself to stay alive

even while drowning

in the mornings im afloat

watching the waves go by in all subtlety

watching the boats, and the many life buoys
carrying hopes to their brim

and i ask myself

do i want to escape?

and my soul whispers

YES

and i swim closer to the boat and the buoy

but they always seem to drift away

so far away that i tell myself

it is better to drown by will

than to be rejected by a bloody lifebuoy