A Letter To Myself

Dear Hannah,

I see you everyday. I see you going through this hard, confusing, unfamiliar phase in life right now. 

Last year this time around you did not remotely dream of becoming a mother. You were wedded to your love, thrilled and eager to explore what it meant to be married. 

But things are a lot different today. This morning I saw you wake up, sleep bags beneath your eyes, trying hard to keep them open. You awoke with soreness in your breasts, milk seeping through your coral blue nursing bra. You were tired, your head heavy from two months of sleepless nights. Sheets and flannels were strewn all over your room. Your underarms stank. Your favourite t-shirt reeked of last night’s breastmilk. From across the room the books you’ve been meaning to read “when free” stare back at you. They long your eager touch. 

“Life wasn’t supposed to be this way”, I heard you murmur and break down before that same old mirror reflecting all your stretch marks, loose belly skin and pregnancy weight. I saw you in your most vulnerable state.

But before you decide to cover your aches and pains under that blanket of yours tonight, I want you to take time and see three beautiful things, around and within.Things that the shroud of gloom hid from you this morning - 

Did you see that man lying next to you, wondering how to console you since all his attempts failed and all that was left was more love to pour? Something made you believe you were undeserving of that kind of love - unpretentious, forgiving. But I hope you see him tonight and tell him you love him too. And I hope that love makes you stronger.

You saw your little baby in the cradle, but refused to smile back at him. You were lethargic. Somehow your feet mustered the strength to walk up to him and pick him up. He was in your arms, close to your heart. But you seemed adrift, failing to capture the beauty in his cackles. But tonight I hope you sleep to his beating heart and kiss him like there's no tomorrow. 

How did you forget to look within yourself? There were insecurities, doubts and frustrations there but I don't think there's anything under the sun that cannot be embraced if you truly believe in its beauty. So I hope this night you hug and tell yourself you're doing great. Life right now seems completely new and you're in unfamiliar territory. But I want you to stay on course and look back in joy and utmost gratitude, not regrets.

OK?

Hugs,

Your conscience